That sounds weird, doesn't it. But it's true. For me, anyway. It's simply social anxiety, but on the Internet.
I write here, and that's fine, because it's, well, more anonymous. I'm not present when you are reading it (and the Mister knows that if he chooses to read, he better not do it while I'm in the room or even aware that he is doing so). I love your comments, and read each one in excitement, but am always concerned that someone will eventually say that my words and worries in life are stupid. I post pictures, but none of them are really all that great, and wait with baited breath for the day someone says my photos are horrible.
Facebook is easy, because on my personal account I have so few friends, and those that are on my friend list know what I'm like in real life and have at least somewhat accepted that - also paired with the fact that I rarely post anything, and almost never anything very personal. The page for this blog is pretty quiet, except for a few likes here and there (which I am grateful for!) but it's not likely to be used for mean comments - heck, half the posts don't even show up in my own feed, let alone anyone else's!
Twitter is kind of horrible. I read recently that a tweet has a "lifespan" of 18 minutes. For which I am thankful, because, again, I don't want anyone to be saying my words and worries are stupid. So I've toned back on posting "personal" things and have been mostly sharing posts from both myself and awesome things I find around the Internet from other bloggers. That way, there can be no judgement!
Twitter chats always look fun, and I've participated in a few, but the adrenaline from keeping up with the thing for a whole hour is just too much to deal with (and can last for the greater part of an afternoon). But people love Twitter, it's sociable and you can tweet back and forth and make friends! And I've tried! And it just doesn't work. Because I hardly ever reply to people, because, again, I don't want other people to think I'm stupid and that what I have to say is stupid.
Instagram is the same thing. I post my bad photos, because that's what you do. I hardly comment on peoples' pictures, again because of the worry of the stupid. I want to participate, I just don't know how without saying what anyone else has already said, or without sounding insincere (or at least thinking that I sound insincere).
Hi, my name is Jessica, and I write on the Internet, and I still don't know how to write on the Internet.
For the past week or so I've had grand plans to film a few videos - one that I should be doing today instead of writing this post, which would be a flip-through of sorts of my December Daily Art Journal thing so far. But now that the day is here, I don't want to. I was technically supposed to do it yesterday, but it was a bad day. Today is not a bad day, but I still don't feel in tip-top shape...and also I dunno what to say in the video, and the rain is horrendous (if you've seen national news lately, you may have heard about the ridiculous amount of rain the PDX area has been getting this week) so the lighting would suck and my pages aren't even that great at all, why would anyone want to watch me ramble on about them? Then of course that would mean I would have to film more videos, for when I'm farther along with the book, and then a video when it's all done and assembled. That's a commitment I was ready to make, and now that it's here I'm not so sure!
Another video I'm "wanting" to do is of all the Christmas knitting. I have one hat left to make. And I haven't started it yet, because I needed a break (again) but also a bit because if it's not done, I don't have to film that video yet, and I won't be disappointing myself by not filming it if my knitting isn't done!
And none of that makes any sense.
There are tons of people who film with bad lighting or with rambling or with having things that they love that not everyone else would (and to those people, I love you for your confidence and wish I could do the same - I am in no way saying that you should worry about those things, because you absolutely should not).
And neither should I. But I do. And so here I am.
I took a nap earlier. I'm still in pajamas. I want to crawl back in bed instead of "putting myself out there" because pajamas are comfy and will love you no matter what. People aren't like that.
At the same time, I know this is entirely untrue.
There will always be trolls, and you just have to brush them off and realize that some people are jerks. There will always be people who don't like what you do, and those are the people you're not trying to get appreciation from anyway. There will always be reasons to not share things, and those should not be important.
And, as a whole, the Internet can be a really nice place. There are very few, if any, mean things that I see on my social media feeds. The only time I see mean things are through other people who share someone else's experience - sort of like the 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon kind of deal.
All of my concerns and worries are pretty much unfounded.
But that in no way stops me from having them. And that's a stupid worry in itself. You see my dilemma.
~Havok
I think one of the best things about blogging is that it can be any sort of blog you'd like- a personal one, where you keep anonymity, or a public one, where you share lots of photos, or a big one, where you are trying to contribute to a larger conversation on a certain subject.. there's lots of room on the internet for different types.
ReplyDeleteThis is very true! And I do love the fact that the Internet has room for everyone. It's always just a matter of trying to find out where you fit, or where you *can* fit. I do believe I haven't figured that part out yet, ha, and that's part of the problem. Really, it is simple as just doing it and sharing it where feasible and seeing where it ends up. Just a matter of getting over that barrier, ha!
DeleteThank you so much for stopping by - I appreciate all of your comments, knowing how busy you are! :D
Well I appreciate your writing and always look forward to your posts, so thank you for opening this door to your thoughts and opinions. I would say I am a reader rather than a creator when it comes to the internet, but I suppose we need both! I know what you mean by the social anxiety thing, whether on-line or off, which is why I admire all the creators who feel that in some way and still put themselves out there.
ReplyDeleteOh, thank you so very much! That's fantastic to hear!
DeleteTo write on the Internet, to me, seems natural. I was introduced to blogging when I was about 15 and started shortly after I learned you could do it for free on Wordpress, and have written online in one vein or another since (though some breaks were quite large, and I never really tried to do anything with it until this one!). That part is quite simple for me, I've just always written. Anything beyond that is...still scary, really!
This is exactly why I mentioned the people who put up videos even though things aren't "just right" - there is so much that can hold you back, so far as worrying goes, and some people are great about just not caring. I wish I had that ability! The funny part is I don't have that many people that read things here, let alone watch the videos that I have put up, so there *really* is nothing to worry about...but I still do, and probably still will for a very, very long time.
I'm hoping, though, to get over it eventually - and hopefully, also, to have those videos up that I have planned sooner than later!
As always, thank you so very much for stopping by, I am so pleased to hear that you enjoy it as well :)
I understand and share your dilemma, but as a new fan of your blog and your writing, I just want to say that I do appreciate it when you post. But no pressure! :)
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! Glad to hear you are enjoying it! Writing here is fairly easy, I've had more than enough practice blogging, it's all the other interactions I'm constantly battling, ha!
DeleteAnd thank you so much for stopping by! :D