It Sounds Silly, But It Bothers Me [goals and mission statements and exasperations]

Things are strange. Life is strange. We know this. Heck, I know this very well. 
And yet, I'm always forgetting. The strange times come up and I go "what is this nonsense, where did this come from, and who thought this was a good idea?"

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Let me start from the beginning.
I've been reading Getting Things Done by David Allen, and it all makes perfect sense (well, the half of the book I've read so far), but now I'm overwhelmed. I, apparently, had way more in my head than I thought I did, once I did the first large get-it-all-on-paper exercise. Which means a much larger list than I thought I would end up with. And for a bajillion "projects" that are all over the place.
Which leads to seeing that there is no, well, guiding force in any of those next actions lists or project lists or someday/maybe lists (all lists you should have as per Mr. Allen).

I've also been watching Dragon Ball Z Kai lately, and there's always a big bad guy to fight, there's always training to do, there's always something that they actually need to get done. They can see it, they can easily gauge where they need to be. Yeah, the bad guy is always way more powerful than they think he is going to be, and they normally start out by getting their asses handed to them, but they get through in the end.

Real life isn't like that, is it? 
You may set goals and you may know what needs to be done and you can see it, but the major thing that needs to be done is hardly something tangible that you can look at.
People want to be happy, people want to do work they enjoy and are passionate about, people want to be free from debt or be able to retire without worry, or they want to have a family, or they want to travel and see the world, or...I dunno, whatever else it is that people want to do.
But, for the most part, none of it is something you can look at (in reality) and say, I'm going to conquer that. Unless you want to climb Mount Everest, and even then it's going to be more of an abstract thing until you see just how tall it is once you're actually at the base.

Some people have the ability to create such a thing in their mind - visualizing what they want, and saying they want it. Some people are able to write it out with detail and say they want it.

And then there's a group of people, that I belong to, that can't do that. 
Because we don't know what to visualize or write down.

I've managed to get this old without knowing what to do. Oh, I know the general day to day stuff, sure. But the larger picture? Hi, yeah, no. Not at all.
I've always fallen back to "I want to be happy," but that's not something you can see or write down beyond that. I want to not live in an apartment, but that's also far too wide of a thing to just have that to reach for.
And, really, beyond that, I just don't know.

This morning, from a Internet rabbit hole that started yesterday, I attempted to create a mission statement from the Franklin Covey website. I started out strong. Then the questions got harder, and I got sadder and more sullen and much more...depressed about it. It was immediate. Because I simply didn't know how to answer those questions.

The question that started the downfall was to imagine you're at your 80th birthday. Who would be there, and what would be your legacy that all those people would be celebrating (along with the part about, ya know, making it to 80).
One, making it to 80? I'd be in so much pain at 80, I'm sure - I've always thought that would be too old to be, all things considered with how well things (read: my body) work for me now.
Second, who would be there? Uhm, good question? What friends would I have at 80? I mean, I assume you have less friends at 80 than you do at 20, and I already have very fewer friends than I did at 20, and it will only get less, right? So, there will be negative amounts of people at this party? That sounds, well, hideous (but great, actually, because I'm not a fan of groups of people, so maybe it wouldn't be so bad!).
But then, thirdly, what would be the legacy? Nothing. As it stands right now, it would be nothing. The accumulation of stuff that I've managed to acquire. A dog that knows to not get excited when I ask him if he wants a knuckle sandwich (which is a fabulous control statement to try and figure out what thing he is asking for - if he gets excited at "knuckle sandwich" that means he doesn't know what he wants), except if I'm 80, Tux won't make it that long (dogs should live longer, right?!).
But beyond that, I'm not sure what it would be. The collection of stuff and a cool dog that I had.

Now, granted, the idea of that question is to find out what you want to be what is discussed. But, again, I don't know what that would be. If it was possible to find a way to make a dog live that long, I'd sign up for that to be the answer, but that's not really on the table.
What do I want a snapshot of my life to be? I have no clue. To be surrounded by people? No, I don't like groups of people. To be surrounded by stuff? No, the stuff already gives me stress, let alone having it all for another 60 years. To have lots of money? What for, when I'm 80 what am I gonna spend it on? To have a house? That I can't take care of when I'm 80 because I'll be a broken little old lady?
Maybe I'm being too negative about it, but that's part of the idea and the problem.

Either way, it was an exercise that I didn't enjoy.
And also an exercise that has led me to thinking that I need to do another one - actually think about things like that more, and feel something beyond pessimism about the future. To really think about and draft up the written copy of what a best life could be. Even if it's crazy and out there (read: living in a cabin the woods for a year, because wouldn't that be fun?!), or even if it's boring (read: live outside of the greater Portland area, because it's pretty crappy here in my mind), or even the general normal stuff (read: be able to not hoard Pokemon cards even though I've never technically played the card game in the proper manner and certainly not in a league setting, except I enjoy them, even though they sit in my closet - the mental gymnastics of it all!).

Maybe that sounds silly.
It kind of does. But I know it's probably going to be a better snapshot of the things I want versus trying to look 60 years in the future, or trying to think of 3 people that have influenced me (Ash Ketchum or Goku probably wouldn't count, if you catch my drift) and what their qualities are (though, really, those two have been more influential to me than most real people).

And, just like trying to get in line with the GTD program, while it sounds simple enough to brainstorm all of that, I can also see that it will be overwhelming. That part I'm not looking forward to, but it's unavoidable.
Because, really, I'd rather have some discomfort than continue just being in a day at a time or a week at a time. The days themselves are fine, but wouldn't it be cool if they could combine into one larger thing? To create something that isn't just, well, a collection of days?

~ Havok

P.S. I have a story that goes with this perfectly, but doesn't fit into the conversation 100%, but it's very fitting. When I was in high school, I had the greatest idea ever - instead of a couch, I'd get one of those plastic red racecar beds and have that as a couch, as it would lend itself to realism for racing video games. It was brilliant (and an idea I'm actually still fond of) and would have made me the coolest person I knew. Now, I have a couch, and no racecar bed. I don't play those racing games as often as I'd like to. And, so far as housing or furniture goes, I'd be content with walls that have more insulation in them (to not hear the neighbor dogs as much, so my dogs will bark less).
It's a great example of the whole kerfuffle, and the kind of thing that comes to mind with a bit of reflection on the concept of wanting things out of life (or not) - and also proof that, at least in the small sense, I did at one point have such thoughts and ideas.

P.P.S. I know the whole "I don't know what I want to be when I'm grown up either, and I'm x-years old!" is a thing. I'm not saying I don't know what I want to be when I grow up (though that's totally a fact). I'm saying that, even on the most basic level, I don't know what any of it would be in any sort of write-down-able or visualizational level. Then again, maybe I'm just letting it bother me too much. Could be.

If you enjoy rambling self-improvement posts, check out these other posts.

Negative Self-Talk [or, it's not *always* all bad, is it?]

What *Are* You Expecting?

Too Far & The Journey Back