Realization of the Facts of (Your Own) Life

Christmas Eve morning, about 2 AM, because I hadn't went to bed yet, and I was about to try and tweet this:
   "TFW you realize you've been living the past few weeks with a certain level of pain." 
Which would then have to have a follow up series of tweets that would go like this:
   "Like, to a point where you ask yourself if it's worth taking ibuprofen for or not.
   Because sometimes it's not worth it. And sometimes it's only slightly obnoxious."

And, of course, I didn't tweet that, because it's rather depressing. It was late and early, and therefore not the best time to be sharing on the Internet - late nights tend to bring out the worst like that, you know. I should have been sleeping. My pain was little, and at that point, not enough to take ibuprofen for. Maybe it would have been by the time I went to lay down (and, it was, for those keeping track).
It has been reasonable, as of late. The pain, I mean. I've been sleeping more than 7 or 8 hours most nights, but I'm guessing that could also have to do with my body trying to fight off the sick that was going around the past few weeks (which the Mister had, that I haven't caught, thank goodness). But it also could be my body just saying "nope, gotta sleep more, because being awake takes a lot of energy these days." I haven't been needing a bed day because of not being able to do anything, though. I haven't needed the heating pad. I haven't had to take much ibuprofen.

But, at the same time, I am always aware of the fact that I have a jaw and an ear. Because they constantly remind me of their presence. It's not going anywhere. I have a left ear, but it doesn't feel anything. The left side of my jaw doesn't feel anything either, thank goodness. But my right side...
If you've ever had a sort of residual or just a bit of pain, you may know what I'm talking about. Sort of like when you're sore, but not oh-my-gosh-I-can't-move-sore. Sort of like when an appendage is starting to fall asleep, it just sort of feels something, but not terribly so.

And it's a weird thing, to realize that it's just something you are living with. A fact of life, that you can't really do anything about. That going about the day-to-day is full of a constant reminder that things are a bit "off" and "wrong" and that, well, is just how it is.

Christmas week was a week of "off" - vacation and hibernation mode, as I fully intended but it's also shown me at just how little I possibly could be doing (so far as day-to-day activities), and that I'm still dealing with this in one way or another. Then again, dealing with Christmas stress didn't really have as much of a hibernation status as I originally thought it would. So that may not be the best gauge of things.

What I do know is that things are not getting any better. I'm not writhing in pain, thank goodness, but one swift wave of something coming up (to stress me out, I mean), and I'd easily be bedridden with a hotpack trying to not cry (because crying clenches face muscles, and that is not helpful).

This is not a place I've ever wanted to be. I've dealt plenty with "down" times in my life, and feeling quite horrible emotionally and realizing that there really is nothing to feel that bad about (which is, really, not a good thing to realize, because it just makes you feel bad for feeling bad) and thinking that it would be easier if there was a reason. And now, there's more of a reason than there has been before, and I'm desperately not wanting to feel that horrible way again (the "down" bits, I mean). Because that would only exacerbate things, I'm sure.
I'm trying to stay as chipper as I can manage. But it can take a lot of energy. I will still be cranky from time to time, and will still get hangry (which, yes, it's a real thing), and (obviously) am still dealing with a weird amount of discomfort.

Apparently, that's life.
It's not bad, but it's not great, either. Just, well, a fact. I'm hoping it will improve, since Christmas is done and over, and there isn't any residual or back-of-the-mind stresses looming about, but we will see. Let's hope.

~Havok

P.S. Also, I keep wanting to lay in bed or on the couch on my right side, and it is sooooo comfyyyyy, but then it leaves that side of my face and head squished against a pillow, and I cannot stay that way long (you know, cuz of the jaw thing). It's very sad, because the rest of my body is comfortable. It can be quite confusing.

P.P.S. Wouldn't it be awesome if one could buy earbud headphone things that only had the left side? Because trying to keep the right side from getting tangled or in hoodie pockets or from getting somehow under my legs in my chair is quite a battle. Poor right ear earbud thing, I haven't used him in what seems like forever. Plus, would make headphones half price, and that's also cool.