I am not sure if I have ever truthfully answered "how are you?"
I understand the socially acceptable thing to do, when asked in public, by acquaintances, or mid-level friends, is to lie. Or at least to make "kinda shitty" sound funny.
I mean more "how are you"s by people close to you - parents, best friends, significant others.
Each subset gets their own level of answer - from an almost complete answer, a sort of truthful answer, to an almost sarcastic or mean-spirited "I'm fine."
Because, let's be honest (ha!), nobody wants to be the person that says "I want to die, how are you?"
I have come close to the full truth before. I've been neighbors with the right answer, so to speak.
But you don't just get to say "I want to die" and move on. Actually, you might. In my head, the allegedly caring person I'm telling this to would not allow things to just move on. As I have not done this, I cannot actually say with a certainty what happens.
I also do not answer truthfully because my emotions are stupid.
Sometimes, I despise some people and would wish them out of my life. Sometimes, I love some people far more than I should. Sometimes, I think I would like to die, but I've felt like that for 10 years and I'm still here. Sometimes, I get very caught up on one aspect of life (or an imagined life) and nothing else is of any importance.
None of which are reasonable things to blurt out in the moment - they will pass, they always do.
The closest I have ever got to a truthful answer is a half-vague response given to a very good friend (who entirely understands), and only with, well, vague information. A few details come out, but not many. I still do not believe I properly conveyed the whole scope to them.
On the other side, it is very easy to explain away a shitty attitude or "yelling" with "I have a headache" or "my jaw hurts" or "I have a stomachache."
Problem is, I've never used those as a lie, so to say, just to avoid saying what is actually making me angry or to avoid asking for what I really need.
So this begs the question -- how much, and how often, does everyone else lie? And to whom, if anyone, do you tell the truth? Half-truths? And how do you decide what is worth sharing, and what is not?
~Havok
P.S. This is actually a journal entry from February 23rd. The idea came to me and it ended up sounding more solid and concrete than I thought it would (a lot of my journal entries are more...flowy in the concept of following an idea (or not)). But it's also something I am looking for a sort of response to - as, for me, I don't feel it's something people talk about often.
I admire you talking about your feelings. I struggle with anxiety and my son does also, but much more than I do.
ReplyDeleteThank you very much! I'm not very good about talking about these things in general, but I can write about it well enough...which is why this started as being in my journal, and posted it (though, I almost didn't, and almost deleted it a few times!).
DeleteI empathize both with you and your son. It can be very difficult to try and be, well, just be, really, when it feels as if things are so much more for you than they seem to be for everyone else. It's something I wish I knew how to get through and succeed against, but it hasn't happened yet. I'm hopeful, though.
Thank you so very much for stopping by.
I think we all lie at times about how we feel. Partly because we don't want to burden people with our problems and, probably a bigger part, we don't want to explore or try to explain how we feel. But it's true what they say, a problem shared is a problem halved. I worried when you said you wanted to die. Please, if you do feel that bad, talk to someone you trust. That's really no time to say "I'm fine!"
ReplyDeleteExactly, we don't want to burden people. But also because it is hard to explain exactly what's going on. You've hit it on the head! I have, however, never heard the problem shared is halved - that makes perfect sense, though, and is something I will definitely have to keep in mind! Because that not only makes sense, but also helps in realizing that, hey, there really isn't any reason to keep silent, if it can make it easier.
DeleteAnd please do not worry. Things are fine - the feeling comes, but it goes. The longest it stays in strength is two or three days, and then it passes. It shows up again in a month or two, but it never stays around long enough for it to be of "real" concern, but I've a feeling the frequency can lead to a concern...it's hard to explain, but please, no worries. It'll be alright. I did, however, have a goof - this post went up, and my mom messaged me yesterday...and I was sleeping in late and didn't message her back for more than a few hours and she told me yesterday she had a bit of "uhhhhh, where is my daughter??" but it was alright, ha.
I am planning on going into the doctor, as soon as my health insurance comes in. My trusty friend and my mom are now on and on about it, and I do believe it will be helpful, at least hopefully a little.
Thank you so very much for stopping by and your lovely comment, I appreciate it so very much. xx
It takes guts to be so frank. Thank you for posting.
ReplyDeleteI think the modern 'how are you?' has become the equivalent of the 'how do you do?' of my grandmother's day. It looks like a question awaiting an answer but it's really not.
I don't really get a chance to discuss such things in real life, so this is the next best thing - it is weird to put such things out the world, but the "world" that reads it is rather small ;)
DeleteI agree 100% that "how are you?" is, basically, a greeting at this point, and no longer a question. It falls in line with seeing someone and then saying "we should hang out sometime" - you're not going to hang out, but it's the idea that you're saying it that counts (even though it really shouldn't). As you said, it looks like a question, but it's not. And that's kind of sad, really - why are we asking each other these things if we don't care?
Thank you so much for stopping by :)